


An Exercise In Futility

by AlmightyMirage



Category: Community (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:41:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27566926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmightyMirage/pseuds/AlmightyMirage
Summary: The group goes on a scavenger hunt after the Dean promised them a great reward. Shenanigans ensue.
Relationships: Annie Edison/Jeff Winger, Pierce Hawthorne/Eartha Kitt, Shirley Bennett & Britta Perry, Troy Barnes/Abed Nadir
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30
Collections: Community Discord Scavenger Hunt





	An Exercise In Futility

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CeleryLapel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeleryLapel/gifts).



> Aka. Chapter 2: the hunt. A continuation of _The Setup_ by the indescribable and ineffable CeleryLapel. Recommended that you read that first. 
> 
> This originated from the wonder Community Discord fanfics-channel. If you aren't in there already, come join us!

“A scavenger hunt, that’s nice! But I hope it doesn’t run long, I need to get back my babies. I don’t trust _Andre_ to cook them a healthy and good dinner.” Shirley said as soon as Dean and Agnes had scampered off down the hallway, with the Dean looking visibly upset at the elderly woman.

Jeff groaned. “Can we get this over with? It’s a Friday, and I have a date with a bottle of Macallan 18 later, and I don’t want to miss it.” 

“Jeeeeff!” Annie whined in frustration. “You complaining won’t solve anything. He promised us all free credit and an A if we do this for him, and I really want that A!” 

“Of course, you’ll do anything if you just get an A for it. You fall in line with the system just like that, like a thoughtless, emotionless results robot!” Britta complained at Annie.

Annie gasped, and looked at Britta in wide eyed shock at the accusation.

“Britta, cut it out.” Jeff ordered.

“Did you guys see that vegetable thing that old lady was eating? Who eats that!?” Troy asked, completely off topic.

Pierce cleared his throat. “You know, I once made Eartha Kitt scream my name in an airplane toilet, using a-“

“Pierce, I swear in the name of the Lord that I will end you right here if you finish that.” Shirley sneered menacingly at Pierce.

“I guess you simply can’t handle my sexual-“ Pierce began to respond, before Shirley’s handbag slammed against his face, leaving Pierce shocked and in pain.

“I think we should solve this as quickly as possible.” Abed interjected.

“Yeah… I think we should.” Annie replied.

“Definitely.” Jeff agreed.

“I think we should split up in pairs of two. That way we can get through the hints as quickly as possible. And it’s a classic movie trope, and much easier for the writer than seven people interactions.” Abed suggested.

“Fine, then how do we split this up? Last time we tried to split the group up in pairs, it was a disaster.” Jeff reminded them.

“Me and Troy, Jeff and Annie, Shirley and Britta.” Abed quickly responded.

“What about me? Are you excluding me again?” Pierce asked, still holding his nose, which was bleeding. 

Annie looked at him, and shrieked. “Pierce! Go to the health care center! Your nose is broken!”

***

Once Annie had written down a list of the clues and split up two for her and Jeff, two for Abed and Troy, and one for Britta and Shirley, the teams split up, while Pierce headed off to the medical center to get his nose checked out.

Troy and Abed headed out into the fresh spring air of the sun-filled quad before Troy took a peek at the handwritten note from Annie. 

“Man, her handwriting is really nice. Why can’t I type like that?” Troy remarked upon looking at it more closely than he had when Annie handed it off to him.

“Annie’s handwriting is a reflection of her femininity and her constantly striving for perfection. It’s been practiced and perfected into neatly flowing curves, that is aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but still functional and easy for her.” Abed replied instantly.

“I only understood like half of that, but it sounds difficult.”

“Yes. I tried copying her signature, but I wasn’t able to.”

“Man, to be able to copy people’s signatures, how awesome would that be!?”

“Very. We can try later. But we need to find these items first.”

“Right. Ahem: _‘I have keys, but I don’t lock anything. I write but I don’t think. I make a moderate amount of noise and am incredibly useful.’_ ” Troy recited from the paper. “Man, that makes like, no sense to me.”

“It’s a keyboard.” Abed responded flatly.

“WHAT!? How!? How did you figure that out!?” Troy asked loudly, in complete and utter befuddlement and amazement about how Abed replied so quickly.

“Easy. It has keys, a keyboard has keys you press, but it doesn’t lock anything. You write stuff on it, but it doesn’t think by itself. It makes a moderate amount of noise. Must be a mechanical keyboard. I used to have one at the dorm, but my roommate destroyed it. I think he was mad about the noise at night. It’s also very useful.” Abed explained carefully.

“Wow, he _destroyed_ it? Who was that?” Troy asked in complete shock.

“Jeff. He threatened to smash it over my head, but he restrained himself and only broke it in half over his knee. I think he has some anger issues.” 

“Okay, yeah. That explains a lot. Sometimes he’s like, crazy.” Troy said, and chuckled.

“Yes. Mostly whenever he’s excluded or its something about Annie, but apparently lack of sleep can make it happen too. Useful info for later use.”

“But uhm, where would you find one of those, uhm, what did you call it? Mechanical key-hoarders?”

“Mechanical keyboard. For a computer. They should have one in the library, let’s head back.” Abed said, and instantly turned and started walking rapidly towards the library, with Troy jogging momentarily to catch up with his longer-legged friend. 

They entered the library together, and turned and looked at the walled-in workstations with computers. Abed leant down and studied the first keyboard he saw intently, then pressed the buttons to test it. 

“It makes a lot of noise.” Troy commented.

“Perfect.” Abed concluded, and ripped out the USB cable from the computer itself, and dislodged the keyboard and cable from the desk.

“Hey, what are you two doing?” An angry female voice that sounded eerily familiar called out.

Troy turned around and saw her. It was Mariah, the red-headed librarian he had made a scene in front of at the Valentine’s dance. “N-n-n-nothing. Testing e-quipment.” He replied instantly, his voice nervous.

Abed glanced at Mariah, then Troy “Quick, pretend like you’re asleep.” He muttered to Troy.

They both quickly closed their eyes and pretended to be asleep.

“That won’t work on me, you already did that crap to me last year, then made me look like an idiot at the dance!” The librarian angrily exclaimed. “You can’t just steal things from here even if you basically _live_ in that damn study room. Every time I see your faces, I’m reminded of feeling like an idiot. And now you try to _steal_ , right in front of me? You two have some damn nerve!”

“Quick. Run!” Abed told Troy, and bolted to the door, with Troy following quickly thereafter.

“Hey! I know your names; you won’t get away with this!” The librarian angrily called after them, but they were long out of her reach.

*** 

“I can’t believe they only gave us _one_ thing to find!” Britta frustratedly told once they were far enough away.

“I am disappointed that they would think so little of us. If they think they can do better than us, then they don’t know us.” Shirley responded coldly.

“Yeah! Let’s show those jerks that we’re better!” 

“Well, the hint says _‘I sound like I grow between your nose and your chin. I am decorative, and I have no gender or sex. I thrive in Holland, but I tend to stay in a certain place you will need to find.’_ ” Shirley read from Annie’s note.

Britta grinned. “Nice. I also thrived in Holland. You know, I used to get these-“

“Britt-a, I do not wish to hear about your substance abuse in that vile country.” Shirley said, while putting on her best fake smile.

Britta looked back at her, unnerved. “Oookay. What do you think it is anyway? I doubt he’d want us to bring, you know…”

“Nooo, he wouldn’t want that. And even if he did, I would never bring it to him. That weird little man has enough issues, he does not need substance abuse on top of that. But I think that it might be a tulip.”

“A what?”

“A tulip. It’s a beautiful little flower, it comes in many warm colors.” Shirley explained, and smiled more warmly and genuinely this time.

“Cool, where do we get one?” 

“Britt-a, I don’t know where there are beautiful flowers around here.” Shirley replied with a shake of her head.

“What about that old lady that helps the Dean, she has some flowers on her desk sometimes.” Britta suggested.

“Oh. We better go check that.” Shirley agreed.

*** 

Back in the study room, Jeff and Annie looked at the librarian shout after Troy and Abed with bemused expressions.

“Right, we have two clues.” Annie said, and cleared her throat. “ _My words number quite many. My title, you will discover, is explained under my cover._ ”

“Yeah whatever, sounds like a book or something.”

“Jeff! It’s not whatever! We need to do this. Remember, you get a free A. That’s like a free permission for you to get a barely passing grade in something else, and still get average results total.” Annie reminded him.

“Right. I think it’s a book.”

“I think you’re right. Explained under the cover… maybe a dictionary? A dictionary would have the definition of a dictionary under the cover.” Annie theorized.

“Annie, that’s brilliant! That has to be it!” Jeff said enthusiastically.

“Thank you!” Annie replied, smiling giddily.

“What about the other one?” Jeff asked. 

“ _I am sturdy and flat. I am where the work is done before you go have any fun._ ” Annie recited.

“Sounds like a desk, ugh.” Jeff groaned.

Annie’s face lit up. “Jeff, I think you’re right!”

“How do we get a desk over to his office though?” Jeff asked with a wrinkled nose.

“I think we’ll just have to take one from near his office.” Annie suggested.

“Yeah, that works.”

“Let’s go get that dictionary.” Annie said, and headed out to the librarians’ desk. “Hi, could I borrow a dictionary?” She asked the librarian kindly.

“Yes of course Annie. As I’m sure you remember, you’ll have return it within three weeks tops.” Mariah replied kindly. 

“Actually, can you put it on the Dean? We’re supposed to bring it to him.” Jeff chimed in.

“Oh, sure. Weird that he doesn’t have his own, but sure. I’ve registered it in his name now. Just make sure he delivers it back, okay?” Mariah said, and handed the dictionary to Annie.

“Thank you so much!” Annie said with a smile.

“Oh, and if you see Troy and Abed, can you make them bring back the keyboard they stole? Those childish idiots just straight up took it right in front of my eyes.” Mariah said, her expression suddenly cold and angry as the words escaped between her teeth.

“Uhm, sure.” Annie smiled nervously, and nodded rapidly.

“Let’s go.” Jeff said, and took her hand in his before he pulled her out along with him,

*** 

“Hi, is the Dean here?” Abed asked Agnes, who was sitting by her desk.

“Yes, he’s inside. He’s unoccupied as always, so just step inside.” Agnes replied disinterested, without looking at him or seeing the keyboard he was holding under his arm. 

“Thank you.”

“Uhm, Abed, aren’t we forgetting something?” Troy said from beside Abed.

Abed looked up from Agnes, and stared blankly at the wall before he turned to Troy with a one finger raised. “The second item.” 

“Ehem.” Troy said, clearing his throat. “ _I have a face but I cannot smile. I have hands but I don’t have fingers. I keep my hands on my face._ ” He recited from the piece of paper. “Man, a face that cannot smile. Does he want us to bring Garrett? I hope he doesn’t want us to bring Garrett.”

“It’s a clock. Get that one.” Abed said, and pointed to the clock to the left of the door into the Dean’s office.

Troy walked over and pulled the clock down from the wall, which got Agnes’ attention.

“Hey, you can’t just go steal our clocks!”

“Sorry lady, we need this right now.” Troy said sheepishly, before they both barged into the Dean’s office. “Dean, we have the items you requested!”

The Dean’s head shot up, before he gasped at the sight of them barging in the door in a hurry. “Oh my, someone’s been in a hurry! And I see you have brought a clock and an…oh. That wasn’t what I wanted.” 

“Which one? These items perfectly match your description.” Abed questioned.

“The uh, _that_ thing.” Dean said, pointing to the keyboard Abed was holding.

“It matches perfectly. It has keys but doesn’t lock, it writes but can’t think, and it makes a lot of noise since it’s mechanical.” Abed described to him.

“I was actually looking for a typewriter, but uh, I guess that works too. Thank you Abed. And thank you Troy. Do you know where your friends are?” 

“We split up to find the items quicker. They should be here any moment.” Abed responded.

Suddenly, Agnes came walking into the room, having mustered up the will to go do anything. 

“Dean, these two stole that clock from the wall just outside.” She explained.

The Dean gasped. “Abed and Troy, how could you? Stealing was not part of the agreement!”

“You asked us to bring you items matching your descriptions, and we did.” Abed replied instantly.

“Yeah, you wanted us to do a scavenger hunt, and that’s about finding items! And we found them!” Troy loudly agreed.

Meanwhile in the hallway, Shirley and Britta came walking into the reception area. 

“Ah, that’s the right flower.” Shirley exclaimed, and pointed to the red tulip on Agnes’ desk. “Grab it and we’ll head inside.”

Britta did as Shirley said, and grabbed hold of the tulip before strolling into the Dean’s office, pushing her way past Abed, Troy and Agnes, before slamming the flower down on the desk, a bit too roughly considering the glass vase it was in, but not enough to break it.

“Here’s your flower.” Britta told him.

“Oh wow, that _is_ the flower I wanted! Well done Britta!”

“Actually, it was mostly Shirley.” Britta pointed out, and looked back at Shirley, who grinned happily at her.

“Well thank you too Shirley. You two did an excellent job.” Dean remarked.

Agnes looked at the tulip closely with narrowed eyes, then turned around and looked at her own desk. “That is my tulip. You stole the flower from my desk. Once again this little group of yours has resorted to stealing.”

“Britta and Shirley, how could you!?” Dean said with an audible gasp and aggressive shake of his head.

“You _told us_ to find it! And we did!” Britta said animatedly, her arms flailing in frustration.

“Now listen here you little man, you specifically asked us to find us this little flower, and we have.” Shirley pointed out.

Right as she said it, Annie came strolling in, dictionary in hand. She pushed her way past, and put it on the Dean’s desk. 

“Annie, could you help me here?” Jeff called out from the other room. 

Annie smiled, and walked back out again under the curious gaze of the six people crammed into the small office. Then seconds later, came backing into the room while holding a desk, with Jeff holding the other end as they narrowly squeezed it through the opening of the door. The group split in, and Jeff and Annie put it down in the middle of the room.

“Put the other objects on here guys.” Jeff ordered, and they did. 

“Here you go Dean, all five of the objects you asked for. Desk, dictionary, keyboard, clock, tulip.” Annie said proudly.

“You just took my desk. You people are incredible, you just go stealing all of my things.” Agnes remarked.

The Dean gasped yet again. “Jeff, Annie! This is not what I asked you to do!”

“What, are the objects wrong?” Annie questioned.

“No, they are perfect, but you _stole_ them.”

Then suddenly, the Dean’s phone rang. The room turned silent as he took it. 

“Mhm. What? They did what? Noooo. I will talk to them. Thank you for letting me know Mariah.” He said, then hung up. “So I just got off the phone with Mariah, the librarian, and she tells me that Troy and Abed stole the keyboard from the library, and that you two,” he said, pointing at Jeff and Annie. “borrowed a dictionary in my name.”

“And what did you expect us to do? Go _buy_ that stuff for you?” Jeff questioned angrily.

“I didn’t expect you to go _steal_ things from around campus!” The Dean countered.

“That’s what this is! It’s a scavenger hunt! The _point_ is to go find things without buying them.” Jeff countered.

“Yeah, you asked us to do this for you. And now we want our reward.” Annie said, backing him up.

The Dean gasped in shock. “I can’t reward you for stealing!” 

“Well this was an exercise in futility.” Abed remarked with a sigh.

“An exercise in what?” Troy asked.

“Futility, it means pointlessness or uselessness.” Annie explained.

“Why would you exercise that? It sounds awful. I want to exercise something cool, like hot lava!” Troy replied.

“Listen here you little man, you made us a promise, and I swear to the Lord that we will make you keep that promise.” Shirley threatened the Dean menacingly.

“Do it, before we’re forced to make things ugly.” Abed threatened.

“Yeah, we’ll shove those things up your butt!” Troy added.

The Dean whimpered in fear, covering his head.

“Just give them their damn reward, this is your own mess Craig.” Agnes groaned from behind them.

“Okay, okay! I will give you the reward.” The Dean said, now crying.

“Fine, let’s go guys.” Jeff ordered to the rest, and they all filed out of the room, each scowling at the Dean for the mess he had gotten them into.

Agnes looked at the Dean, and shook her head. “You stupid, stupid man. You and Leonard are one and the same.” She told him with a hate fueled glare, then headed out the room, leaving the Dean alone with a spare desk, a keyboard, clock, tulip, dictionary, and a stick of celery.

The Dean cried softly, then looked at the stick of celery. Curious, he took a bite, chewed on it while his nose scrunched up, then spat it out.

“Who _eats_ that!?”


End file.
